Monthly Archives: April 2008

Things that are the color purple Pt.2

1.      The color purple.




2. this AMAZING purple lightning bolt

3. Old people’s hair.

4. The word purple, kind of a freaky word isn’t it? Sounds a word someone would say if they were drowning.

5…..Did you actually think today’s blog was going to be about things that were the color purple? C’mon people, I’m writing a blog, I’m not a rocket scientist! This is not the Discovery Channel. You waited for 2 days for your encounter with literature on purple objects and you got nothing. Serves you right, wasting your time waiting for purple S.H.I.T. Now you know, you gotta be smarter next time you start reading someone’s blog. Stay tuned for our next post, it’s gonna be a doozy!!!





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Things that are the color purple Pt.1

I know the title says that today’s subject is things that are the color purple. I know I mentioned on the last post that I was going to do so but something unexpected has happened and plans changed. Don’t worry, I WILL talk about things that are the color purple next time we meet. I have received an enormous amount of fan reader mail, loaded with questions they wanted me to answer. Honestly I was surprised, like getting caught fucking a warm apple in the men’s room of a Bed, Bath and Beyond store*. So I decided to dedicate today’s post to answering a few of my reader’s questions.

Harvey Cookelsbury from Salt Lake City, Utah writes:

Q.“Dear Penthouse, I recently found out I’m growing a fourth nipple on my cheek. Life has been hard and I haven’t had any luck with the ladies and I think it’s because of that extra nipple I have on my chest, what can I do to distract the ladies attention from that horrible third wheel of a nipple I have on my chest?”

A. Well Mr. Cookelsbury, sorry to say but you copied the wrong email, anyways I wouldn’t worry about that third nipple that much.

Lashantafeshia O’neal from Sacramento, California writes:

Q.”What would you do for a Klondike bar? Because I’d kill a motherfucker for a Klondike bar!

A. Beautiful name, it’s got an Asian feel to it. I like it.


Guillermo Paniagua from Caja de Muerto, Puerto Rico writes:

Q.Ayudameeeeeeee cabrón! Estoy estancao en esta fucking isla llena de tiburones! Llama al Coast Guard o algo, pero avanza!

A. Wow! Guillermo! I have a tropical reader. I can’t read Spanish all that good but seems to me like someone is getting a little action** in the Coast Guard. My respect for you Mr. Guillermo, keep on protecting our waters from drug dealers, whale killers and jet skiers.

Keep on sending your questions, comments or anything else that’s on your mind. You can write to me at Next week, things that are the color purple Pt.2.








*This has NEVER happened to me before, ever.

**If you know what I mean.

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Putting the nts’ in condiments

Wow, that last post was really fucking rad, am I right? Am I right? I’m goddamn* right! Today we have a very special guest writer who’s going to tell us all about that celestial sauce we all love, Mayoketchup™. He’s a Mayoketchup™ historian and aficionado as well. We’re talking of course about Mr. “ catsupnaise man” himself, Dr. JoJo Polanski**.  So without further a due, Dr. JoJo Polanski.

             Thank you. Albert Einstein once said that humans have always had a need for putting things together. People like JFK, Gandhi and Captain Crunch fought for a world where man could indulge in his saucy desires. Well, no not really, I don’t know where that came from I apologize. As I was saying, ketchup and mayonnaise are two pretty cool condiments by themselves. What can’t you put 10 packets of ketchup on? How about mayonnaise? Both have very high spreadability*** properties. But what would happen if you mix two of the finest things ever created by man?, or Kraft whatever. You got it, a slice of heaven, like being given the opportunity to taste an exotic piece of Tahitian vagina. Again I apologize, I suffer from Cheegina Syndrome, where I confuse the words cheese and vagina.  Thank you.

            There you have it ladies and gentle/roughmen, the leading expert on Mayoketchup™, spreading a thick layer of knowledge on you. If you wish to contact or book Dr. JoJo Polanski you may do so through his email at That is all for today, be on the lookout for the next story as I will be writing about things that are the color purple.

*Not a damn made by god.

**Stop clapping, no one can hear you.

***What are you, the fucking spelling police!?

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Druggie Art Institute of Puerto Rico: A center for the advancement of palm tree ornaments mand such

            Hello and welcome to the first official piece of S.H.I.T. you will ever lay eyes on. Today’s subject will be the D.A.I.P.R., no stranger to any of our refined and timely mannered selection of readers.* To those of you unfamiliar with the D.A.I.P.R., ask yourselves, who makes all those wonderful palm tree crickets and roses for five bucks? Moreover, where the bloody hell do those critters learn how to make those fantastic organic pieces of art? Well my slightly retarded looking friend**, I have the answer right here. It’s called the D.A.I.P.R. and it’s the oldest and most extravagant institution of its kind. All of its graduates are selling their products on the street, that’s 100% of them. Wow, I mean 100%, that’s like almost half of 200%. It is rumored that one recent graduate was starting to experiment with coconuts, rusty bean cans and dead skin to give the ornament that leathery look and feel we all love so much. Yet no actual evidence has been collected to confirm the supposed “new age” palm ornaments.

*That means that you’re smart, stupid.

**Of course you don’t!

            Really, where do these junkies learn to do all this useless shit? You’d think there’s a school for this kind of crap. These dudes can’t even stand up and stay awake to fart, but yet they are able to make a mailman hat with  two palm tree leaves using only his seven and a half fingers and a tooth as a blade. WTF! If you sit on a bench for more than 20 seconds, these same amusing citizens will ask you for money twice, even though you said no the first time. Still they manage to remember how to make anything out of a palm tree leave. I have two theories.


There’s a secret instructional manual passed on from generation to generation of junkies.  They don’t have to memorize it, they just follow 5 easy steps and voila! They’re just two crickets and a rose away from their pasty rock.


All junkies were clowns before entering junkiedom. Think about it, clowns can make anything out of a balloon. Palm tree leaves are like god’s balloons and junkies are his clowns. Wow that was awesome, I rock! Not but really, it makes some kind of sense right? Nobody ever understands what clowns are saying, they don’t make much money and probably shoot up to dull the pain for choosing to be a clown. It makes perfect sense! Shut up, I don’t care if you don’t agree with me.***

                                                                        The end****

***I’m sorry that was rude.  I really think it makes sense because come on dude, really, think about it.Right?

****Well not THE END, just no more on this subject, at least for a while. Besides, I couldn’t come up with nothing better to finish my first piece of S.H.I.T.



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I put the hate in hatred!(not like I’ll hit you type of hate, just the good kind)


             As you will probably find out very soon*, I get easily irritated by a lot of normal, common and human things. May range from purple crayons, leather belts and paper bags to ways of breathing, you know, things of that nature. I don’t really know w.w.w.² it all started but I’ve become a real professional at it. See me as the Tiger Woods of getting irritated by random crap. Which reminds me, I should introduce you to my S.H.I.T.(Super Hate In Textform) S.H.I.T. is a never ending list I’ve cooked up, of ambiguous trivialities that twist my panties**  up in a bunch. You and your loved ones will love my S.H.I.T. and even lose 3 to 4 inches of body fat.***  I won’t lie to you, my S.H.I.T. will not always be good. You’ll never see me acting like I think my S.H.I.T. don’t stink, but hey, let me see your S.H.I.T. You might find yourself asking yourself***, is this S.H.I.T. for real?, because I’ve seen other S.H.I.T. before and wasn’t impressed. Well my good sir, need look no further. I have a lot of good S.H.I.T. for you in store. Isn’t it funny that you can say any foul word as long as you make each letter mean something remotely  coherent? Going off on far away tangents, another gracefully useless quality I possess.**** I hope I’ve seduced you into a breathtakingly riotous***** second date. Stay tuned for some astonishingly arbitrary but endearing S.H.I.T.

*Subject to continuance of readancitivity level of reader. Yes, this word exists, Google it. Well, you don’t really have to if you don’t want to.

²When, why and/or where. Duh! OMG YFR!

**I don’t really wear panties. Why would I?,  even though they’re soft and comfortable

***Results may vary. Not FDA approved.

****Again, subject to continuance of rea…OK! you got me all right!, that word doesn’t exist! You happy now?!

*****Write hilarious comment on line:_____________________________

******Ha! This one DOES exist! Google it, I dare you. I’ll challenge you to a duel if necessary.

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Words, they are so wordy!

I get increasingly irritated by the number of “pollitically correct” terms that arise each day because some prick or prickette got ofended. Here are a few new ones:

List of the politically correct terms for furniture and stuff

Before-Black Stapler      After-African American Stapler

Before-Ottoman            After-Ottoperson

Before-Lazyboy             After-Lazyperson

Before-On the job BJ     After-Secretary

Please people, words are words and you are what you are….

First blogpost, hopefully many more will come…

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