Hello and welcome to the first official piece of S.H.I.T. you will ever lay eyes on. Today’s subject will be the D.A.I.P.R., no stranger to any of our refined and timely mannered selection of readers.* To those of you unfamiliar with the D.A.I.P.R., ask yourselves, who makes all those wonderful palm tree crickets and roses for five bucks? Moreover, where the bloody hell do those critters learn how to make those fantastic organic pieces of art? Well my slightly retarded looking friend**, I have the answer right here. It’s called the D.A.I.P.R. and it’s the oldest and most extravagant institution of its kind. All of its graduates are selling their products on the street, that’s 100% of them. Wow, I mean 100%, that’s like almost half of 200%. It is rumored that one recent graduate was starting to experiment with coconuts, rusty bean cans and dead skin to give the ornament that leathery look and feel we all love so much. Yet no actual evidence has been collected to confirm the supposed “new age” palm ornaments.
Really, where do these junkies learn to do all this useless shit? You’d think there’s a school for this kind of crap. These dudes can’t even stand up and stay awake to fart, but yet they are able to make a mailman hat with two palm tree leaves using only his seven and a half fingers and a tooth as a blade. WTF! If you sit on a bench for more than 20 seconds, these same amusing citizens will ask you for money twice, even though you said no the first time. Still they manage to remember how to make anything out of a palm tree leave. I have two theories.
There’s a secret instructional manual passed on from generation to generation of junkies. They don’t have to memorize it, they just follow 5 easy steps and voila! They’re just two crickets and a rose away from their pasty rock.
All junkies were clowns before entering junkiedom. Think about it, clowns can make anything out of a balloon. Palm tree leaves are like god’s balloons and junkies are his clowns. Wow that was awesome, I rock! Not but really, it makes some kind of sense right? Nobody ever understands what clowns are saying, they don’t make much money and probably shoot up to dull the pain for choosing to be a clown. It makes perfect sense! Shut up, I don’t care if you don’t agree with me.***