Things that are the color purple Pt.1

I know the title says that today’s subject is things that are the color purple. I know I mentioned on the last post that I was going to do so but something unexpected has happened and plans changed. Don’t worry, I WILL talk about things that are the color purple next time we meet. I have received an enormous amount of fan reader mail, loaded with questions they wanted me to answer. Honestly I was surprised, like getting caught fucking a warm apple in the men’s room of a Bed, Bath and Beyond store*. So I decided to dedicate today’s post to answering a few of my reader’s questions.

Harvey Cookelsbury from Salt Lake City, Utah writes:

Q.“Dear Penthouse, I recently found out I’m growing a fourth nipple on my cheek. Life has been hard and I haven’t had any luck with the ladies and I think it’s because of that extra nipple I have on my chest, what can I do to distract the ladies attention from that horrible third wheel of a nipple I have on my chest?”

A. Well Mr. Cookelsbury, sorry to say but you copied the wrong email, anyways I wouldn’t worry about that third nipple that much.

Lashantafeshia O’neal from Sacramento, California writes:

Q.”What would you do for a Klondike bar? Because I’d kill a motherfucker for a Klondike bar!

A. Beautiful name, it’s got an Asian feel to it. I like it.


Guillermo Paniagua from Caja de Muerto, Puerto Rico writes:

Q.Ayudameeeeeeee cabrón! Estoy estancao en esta fucking isla llena de tiburones! Llama al Coast Guard o algo, pero avanza!

A. Wow! Guillermo! I have a tropical reader. I can’t read Spanish all that good but seems to me like someone is getting a little action** in the Coast Guard. My respect for you Mr. Guillermo, keep on protecting our waters from drug dealers, whale killers and jet skiers.

Keep on sending your questions, comments or anything else that’s on your mind. You can write to me at Next week, things that are the color purple Pt.2.








*This has NEVER happened to me before, ever.

**If you know what I mean.

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