Monthly Archives: May 2008

Unwordy words

Words that are “unwordy” enough to be words. This is a new section I will be giving you for free. Enjoy.

1.juggernaut- a massive advancing force or object that crushes everything in its path.

            Don’t like it. Nothing about Buzz Lightyear and fire torches being tossed.

2.handicap- an anatomical, physiological, or mental deficiency that prevents or restricts normal achievement.

            I’m confused. Sounds more like a nice hat. Like, when did you get that handicap? 3.shoplifter- one who steals goods on display in a store.

            So if it’s inside a vault I’m not a bank robber?

4.gnat- any numerous small, winged insects.

            C’mon, really? That g is more useless than a Condom World inside an abortion clinic.

5.stool- waste matter expelled in a bowel movement.

            Fancy word for shit huh?

Let’s take a moment to reflect on this last unwordy word. Stool. I’m guessing the guys at the American Heritage Headquarters had to make a choice. But why stool? Stools are a nice piece of furniture. What would bars be without them? So why call that defenselessly innocent piece of wood, caca? Why not putt? Sounds more like pooping and If you put the p upside down it says butt which is closer to what dropping one is all about.

Source: American Heritage Dictionary 6th edition

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I have cramps:A short story about living in a studio apartment

What is a studio apartment? It’s basically your current living quarters but with a toilet. Cleaning is a breeze, until it actually happens. Since you have so little space you just say: “I’ll clean up tomorrow”. Funny thing about tomorrow, you know the word tomorrow comes from the Latin expression “six months from now”, depending on the weather and your current time zone.  You really don’t have to decorate much, a clock here, a mirror there and a Michael Bolton poster on the wall and your well on your way to living a secluded life in your $650 a month palace. But not all is peaches and cream for all those studio heads, crises may strike. When you lose something and spend more than 10 minutes looking for it, things will happen to you. First off, you start thinking to yourself, how the hell did I lose something in a place so small? Am I getting old? Am I losing my memory? From that you move on to deeper waters. You start freaking out. Holy shit, I really can’t find it! I really must be losing my mind! The jump to the next phase is a quick one. You start getting paranoid. I’m losing my memory, that means there’s something wrong with my brain.  I have a tumor! Shit, fuck, shit, shit I’m dying! You start calling your doctor friends but they don’t answer. You leave messages on their machine like dude I lost my fucking phone and I’ve been looking for it for about 2 hours now, am I losing part o f my brain or something? Well anyways call me back if you know what’s wrong. OK. Bye. Sh. beep!

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